Hi Guys! Since this week is mental health week I wanted to share an incredible moving essay, titled the depression, from an amazingly strong girl named Kara from Alabama. I would like to thank her for her submission and for her courage because I know writing this could not have been easy. Thanks! -Express Reviews The depression, it envelops me; it whispers in my ear, taunting me, telling me to give up... to stop trying. It buries me deeper into darkness until I can't see anything. I shake, I fidget, I slouch, letting the depression take control of me. I surrender control of MY body, MY thoughts, and MY life. Each day is a constant fight, me vs the world; some days I relish in my victories, while others I lie wounded, too hurt to even consider getting up. I scream to anyone who will listen. I yell in their faces, show them my pain, but they're too occupied in their own worlds to care. I feel like I am drowning, drowning in my own pain, I feel the water slowly fill my lungs as I gasp for air. I hate everything I say, everything I do, I really just hate myself. Nothing is in my favor and it feels like the whole world is against me. I get up to talk and all that comes out is pointless chatter, because I am scared if I tell them what's really happening they'll want nothing to do with me, they'll throw me away, a broken toy. People like pretty. people like fun. people don't like problems. My bed. Recently, that's what my life's been about. I tell myself, If you don't get out of bed life won't hurt you, life won't ruin your perfect day. So I lie down when really all I want to do is run and scream and dance and jump, but the chains of depression pin me in that bed. I pray and pray and pray. I pray for something good to happen to me, I pray that one day I will be happy, I pray that someone will see what is really happening to me and I pray that I will be saved from this constant nightmare I am forced to live in. I envy the days where everything was fine, the days where my only problems were what to wear in the morning. I envy the girl I used to be. I see conversations going on and try to join in, but every word out of my mouth sounds stupid, every word I say shakes. I can't even look them in the eye because if I do I know I will see the disapproval in their eyes. The same disapproval I create for myself everyday. Breathing is painful. Every time I take a breath I feel the anxiety and fear creep up my throat, just waiting to come out. Waiting to say everything I've wanted to say for the past year, but I force it down and pray it doesn't resurface again. Dreams slowly turn into nightmares. The things I used to love I now can't seem to stand. The friends I have I don't want to associate with and the family I used to love I now detest. I lie in bed at night trying to sleep, except each time I close my eyes I see the worst parts of myself, the ugliness of my face, the fat on my stomach, the stupidity etched in my words. The worst things in the world are mirrors. Mirrors are a test I don't know how to pass. They allow you to look at yourself and hate everything you see. "Your arms look huge today" "What is up with your hair?" "Oh my gosh is that ANOTHER zit on your face" yet overtime I see them I get lured into their trap and spend time just hating myself more... if that's even possible. I hate going out. Social events means more opportunities for someone who doesn't know me to judge me more than I judge myself. It's hours of me fidgeting and itching under their scrutiny. It's me trying to convince myself everything will be ok as long as I smile and pretend I'm fine. The double life I live burdens me. It lies on my shoulders and I have no place to leave it. I constantly carry it, trying to push it off but the more I push the more it refuses to move. It stays there, trying to weigh me down. I used to look forward for those days, where a beam of light would fall through my life of dark clouds. I would spend days waiting for that one beam of light and I would welcome it with open arms. But now, I curse that light when it comes near me because I know the moment I open myself up to it the harder it will be when it goes away. I just want to be okay. ~Kara K (16) AL
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June 2017
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